What I'm learning...

I never in any of my imaginations of what homeschooling might be like, imagined I'd learn anything about myself, or at least admitted it to myself anyway. I had grand ideas of teaching my children the proper tools to be scholars. I had ideas of channeling my inner Martha Stewart and knocking out craft projects worthy of a spot in "Family Fun". Yet, my reality is turning out to be very different.

God has used the sword that is His word...(Hebrews 4:12) to cut away at my heart and flesh for several years. How surprised I was to learn how much more there was left to cut away. The issues within myself that I thought were gone are not; they are simply in need of more refinement.

Recently in another blog I follow, The Night Howells, she had a discussion about living the life God called you. In the midst of that discussion, someone commented that often God gives us children to save us from ourselves. This is what is happening to me. I am learning through the avenue of homeschooling how little I gave to my children and how much I gave to myself. I'm surprised, of course, to realize this, I have always been a stay at home mom; so I thought I was doing alright in that avenue. Truth is, I wasn't. I was perfectly happy being a stay at home mom but not really engaging in their lives to the extent that I believe is expected of me. Now, I am, and sometimes I'm not too happy about it. Sometimes I would rather give into the selfishness that is me, and do what I want. Yet, there is a tug at me that knows this is not acceptable. This tug-of-war within me is exhausting. I'm tired; yet, very happy. Funny how God can create within you the peace that will rise above your circumstances.

I've found a new verse that is becoming dear to me...it's John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease". May the prayer of my life remain this.